snowblindmemes | CONFESSIONS MEME

I'm fucking terrified of something happening to Royce. We've been together since the week of our arrival, and I don't know what I'd do without him here. The thought of splitting up from him even for a night gives me an attack of the nerves. I fear his death more than I fear my own.

But I do fear my own death - my own permanent death - more so now than I ever did at home. Dying here feels unnatural; it feels fucking pointless. I'd take death if it meant something.

I honestly couldn't tell you whether or not I think we'll get out of here someday. I've stopped having any sort of belief on the matter. Generally I don't think more than a day or two ahead, unless I've got a very specific plan in mind.

I'm not suited for going home the way I am now, and when I think about that, it nearly makes me cry.

When Emily and Tifa died, we left most of their things on them, so they'd have them if they came back. But I took Emily's sketchbook.

I still don't regret taking advantage of House's death price, and I'd do it again if I felt I needed to.

I locked my genius, mentally ill little sister up in a maximum-security prison, refusing her any human contact and only throwing her the occasional odd 'treat' to get her to do what I want.

My little sister killed my little brother's best friend because I wasn't paying attention when I was looking after them.

My little brother was subsequently traumatized, enough that when our sister was sent away, he couldn't remember her or Victor anymore.

I lied to my little brother the rest of our lives, in fear of his memories returning.

My little brother, possibly because of the repressed trauma, became a drug addict.

Because of all of this as well as the need to have control and control over my sister's fate, I continually monitor my brother and his life. He can hardly do a thing without me noticing. I have sent agents to trail him, installed cameras and other bugs, and gone so far as to send a helicopter and track his phone. To be fair, he did murder a man in cold blood and is a security risk no matter my feelings on the subject. Because of my guilt over his trauma, and what I continually do to him, I let him get away with everything. It's resulted in multiple disasters and near-disasters.

I told our parents Eurus had died. It was kinder.

I let Eurus have five minutes with Moriarty unsupervised. It resulted in catastrophe. I thought I knew what I was doing, that I was immune to her abilities, but also some part of me wonders if sentiment was my downfall.

I find people in general to be annoying and infuriatingly slow. I have no real friends, except for Sherlock. I doubt he considers me anything but a useful nuisance.

I truly do love my siblings, though I will never say it out loud. I expect nothing from either of them, I understand what I've done to them will ensure they will never say it either, nor feel it, but it doesn't matter. Their safety and security is paramount, above even my own.

My life is dedicated not only to the security of my country but to them as well. Their well-being is more important than my own, more important than anything I do or have done. I'd gladly give up my life for either. It's nothing less than I deserve.

Norfinbury still seems like a dream on some irrational level.

Sherlock and John turning into those things was one of the most horrifying things I have ever witnessed, and I've supervised some...unscrupulous necessities.

I worry we are somehow not our original selves or bodies.

Sherlock's death was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Edited 2017-06-18 22:28 (UTC)

Looking forward to screwing you over again sometime soon, asshole.

Well, crap. You pretty much suck at life. And probably need therapy. Like a whole lotta therapy.

There's not much you can do to me.

We'll see. I've been known to be creative.

I worry sometimes Heaven has not come after me because I am no longer necessary to them to grant authority to act to the angels who would rescue me. That I have been abandoned and my dear friend can but is unable to act to save me.

I thought aging again might make mortality in others more bearable, that if I shared their fate sooner or later it would take some of the pain away. Then I lost Clayton and was proven wrong. Perhaps I never would have been suited for ordinary life.

If I am grateful for anything that has happened here, it has been the opportunity to meet and befriend Beckett. He offers me a positive view of immortality, and the comfort that there is another with an experience like mine, an immortal raised human. To him, I hope I offer something he needs - peace, comfort, anything. Our friendship is as a shelter to me, in this inhospitable place.

I wish I could bring myself to talk to Dr. House more often, but speaking with him is...deeply uncomfortable, for reasons I can't quite describe. I fear I am unable to completely forgive him for believing anyone deserves the suffering of eternal punishment and that inability frightens me. I know it's difficult to comprehend the magnitude of pain in The Darkness! I have forgiven others! Why not him?

So can I, but you've seen that, haven't you?

We're even enough, now. Leave things alone, and I won't do anything more to you.

You still have my harmonica, you bastard.

Because I'm an unrepentant douchebag and an atheist on top of it. Also you're depressed. Those things probably have something to do with it.

Yeah, I do. Call it insurance.

And as long as you have your "insurance" we aren't square, Alfredo.

Behave, and it stays whole.

I let the monster out of the firehouse closet 'cause I thought it would be fun. I knew I was gonna die, probably, but I also didn't think that I would. You know, actively. Seein' is believin', and all, and I guess I just really wanted to see. I used to be invincible, you know. Nothin' could touch me.

It's easier for me to hurt someone than forgive them, 'cause it's neat and clean and I don't have to think about it too much. There are a lot of awful good people out there who just pissed me off at the wrong time. I guess that's the way it goes.

I'm scared we'll never get out of here. I'm scared Dio won't come and save me--not 'cause he doesn't want to, but 'cause he can't. I'm scared he misses me and doesn't know where I went. I really do hate the snow.

Losin' my eye was my own goddamn fault. Not anyone else I've blamed for it.

I think I'd be fine with dyin', but I have unfinished business I gotta take care of first. I never thought I'd make it past thirty, anyways--I don't have any grand ambitions like Dio. I just want to settle down, and if I can't do that, I might as well go out in fuckin' style. I'd hate to live forever in a place like this.

I'm sorry, did you say 'misbehave?' I'm pretty sure that's what I heard, boss.

Solomons is a brother to me. He's kept me alive, in a multitude of ways. I'd die for him. I'm scared of that. But it's a comfort, as well.

Losing Tifa and Emily has been like losing any part of hope I had left.

... Maybe Karkat and Davesprite have brought a little of it back.

I had to kill my wife. Gwen. I don't know that I can ever recover from that. It was worse than her death. It was at my hands and even if it was a mercy kill, I lost a part of myself. It's not coming back. I've been - changed. I've been changed.

I don't feel much any more. I'm angry, when I do. It's only been a few months. I thought I was stronger than this.

I'd sacrifice just about anybody in this town for the chance to go home to my daughter. Even if I think she might be better off growing up without me.

Edited 2017-06-18 23:19 (UTC)

Then when I break it, you've got nobody to blame but yourself.

She wouldn't.

She wouldn't know. She doesn't know me. I'm not her father to her, yet. Just a man claiming the title.

Yeah. And she'd still be better with you than without you.

Well, I mean, except you. The guy doing the breaking. Pretty sure you're to blame.

But sure. Get your victim-blaming gameface on, bro.

If we can't guarantee we'll go home without the radiation, it's a moot point.

Do you really see yourself as a victim?

If we can't, then we'll stay together.

I'm glad for that, at least.

CONFESSIONS MEME

no subject

CW: Drugs, suicidal ideation, torture implications

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw for suicidal ideation-ish

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject